My first entry...a lot of background

I have suffered from severe bipolar disorder and ADHD for as long as I can remember. In my early adolescent years the symptoms became more noticeable and began to have an effect on my behavior. These are some of the things I have experienced in my childhood and may have triggered the symptoms I have to deal with every day. I am not writing this to vent or rant about how unfair or miserable my growing up years were. I am writing this because I know somewhere there is someone who can relate to my experiences. Believe me, I wish I had read something like this when I was younger. I would have not felt so alone and powerless.

My childhood was was interesting to put it nicely. I lost my mother when I was only 8 years old. Almost immediately after my mother passed away( 10 days shy of the 4 month anniversary of her death), my father became engaged and was remarried the same year. My father met his newly betrothed at church. So...of course, his new little family must be members of this church, and good members attend church every time the doors are open. Church was our new lifestyle and my little sister and I had no choice but to like it. The doctrine the church taught was a non-denominational doctrine that included "speaking in tongues" and being "slain in the spirit." If you have ever visited a church like this, you were sure to never forget it. When the preacher prays for you, you know he really did a good job if you were so filled with the holy ghost you fell flat on your back. Everyone who was a Christian was expected to be baptized and receive the "gift of the holy spirit" (to speak in tongues). This so called gift, was basically someone babbling a bunch of made up words in a sing-songy voice. It was not looked at as unusual for someone to randomly burst out in this "holy language" during prayer or even the sermon. At first, I thought that this new church was fun. Anywhere it was ok to run around, shout out nonsense, and lift your hands up in the air anytime you wanted was ok in my book! I don't want to offend the people who attend this kind of church or believe that this crazy shit is actually holy, but the leaders of the church who accepted my mother's insurance money, and paid off THEIR BUILDING DEBT....they paid for the cherry wood desks in each of the pastor's offices and the pretty new chairs in the sanctuary and God knows what else...you have dishonored my mother. I still cannot believe that these people who claim to be ministers of God's word actually accepted this money my father gave to them in a state of tragic loss and mourning. I guess all of those sermons about tithing and offerings paid off. I wonder if any of that money was given to charity or was used to help those in true need? It disgusts me. I didn't know this until a few years ago. After the fun of going to church faded and getting up and putting a itchy dress and nylons on got to be annoying, I began to really give this new church and its philosophies some thought, I began to remember the things my mother had told me over and over again. She planted the seeds of curiosity and that was enough to get my little wheels turning and eventually come to the conclusion that this church and its extreme doctrine was not what God had in mind for his people when he created us and this beautiful world that surrounds us.

Good, church going, tongues speaking, bible thumping families, send their offspring to private school! So off my little sister and I went. I honestly found the curriculum boring. Phonics??? My mother taught me phonics when I was 3 years old. One day, my teacher took me aside and told me that I was reading too fast for the other kids to follow along. I never had the chance to really appreciate the private school education because my step mother and father decided to pull my little sister and I out of school altogether and home school us. How great was that idea???!!! Now I wouldn't have to wake up early, wear an uncomfortable uniform, or eat cafeteria food ever again!!! I was really excited. My step mother ordered the books, videos and some school supplies and we started the school year early! Every day there was a video of a teacher we were supposed to watch and we were to follow along in our school books. My little sister and I had no oversight from our step mother. She didn't ask us if we needed any help or even asked to see our work at the end of our day. She was under the impression that the curriculum was "self-taught" and there was no need for her be involved. Well.....with no supervision and no accountability my sister and I devised a plan to go over our book work quickly, obtain the teacher's editions of our books so we could 'check our work' and copy the answers as fast as we could, and fast forward the video's of our douche bag teachers. So we did it for the first time. Not so hard! Our step mom didn't even suspect anything. So we cheated our way through the first year of home school. It was pretty easy and my sister and I had perfected our system so even if you looked at our tests and daily assignments the untrained eye would never guess that we did not learn ANYTHING that day or the entire year. My little sister and I were the sneakiest little cheaters. I will elaborate more later on homeschooling and how it should have been for us and If I chose to home school, how I would do it.

Soon after the decision to home school was made, my stepmother discovered "the home school group" The group was made up of all the home schooled families in New Iberia and the surrounding cities. The kids were for the most part nice, and really, really, really smart. I guess when the parent is actually involved with their child's education, it shows. The home school group held meetings once a month, and had activities planed through out the school year. The best activity EVER was ice skating. I would skate my little heart out once a week and would not get off the ice unless i had to go to the bathroom really bad. Soon after we joined the home school group, my step mother made a new friend. She was short, loud, had about 5 kids, and was really mean. I guess my step mother saw how submissive and obedient her kids were and began to wonder what was wrong with her two new daughters. Well, when this woman came to our house for the first time, she recommended that all of the pictures of our mother, even the ones in our bedrooms be removed. She was convinced that the reason for our "rebellion" was that we did not see our step mother as our "new mother'. She even had the audacity to have a family meeting with us and told my step mother to explain to us that these beautiful pictures of our MOTHER, the person who gave birth to us, were going to be taken down and destroyed. I was in shock. I was fired up and started begging my step mother not to take these precious photographs away from us. I then got a "spanking" for my attitude and for questioning authority. I have never forgiven my father for allowing this.

This new friend of our step mother, became my enemy. She encouraged my step mother to be a tough disciplinarian. She gave her a book named after a bible verse, "Train up a child in the way he should go." This book interpreted the word "train", and explained that a child should be trained in the same way a horse or donkey should be trained: by beating the shit out of them. So, my stepmother wanted to have little robot children much like her friends and put this book and its philosophy into practice. She now had reason to believe that we were disobedient children filled with the demonic spirit of rebellion. We got "spanked" every single day several times a day. She would make sure that we knew that we had been disobedient and rebellious and because of our attitude, we were to be spanked, while on our knees, on our bare bottom, with a wooden dowel stick until she felt we had become submissive. We couldn't escape it. We got spanked sometimes just for a silly look. If we did anything to give her even the idea that we had rebellious thoughts in our head she believed we were to be beat into submission. Just like an animal. She was even convinced that my little sister was possessed by a demon spirit and had the minister of our church over to anoint her room and pray over her. My poor little sister. She was such a sweet, fun loving kid. My father and step mother beat the sweetness right out of her. Hers is a whole different story.

I know I sound like a bitter bitch who cannot let go of the past. If you know me, you know that is not the case. Even though I am Bipolar, allot of the people who have known me would never guess. Only my closest friends, my older step brother and sister in law knew that i had an eating disorder. I understood, even at 8 years old, that this was not the way things should be. I knew that my father and step mother had really gone off of the deep end and I believe in my heart that my father is truly sorry for his poor judgements. I was only 8 years old but I have fond memories of my mother. She was not perfect, and as I become older, my older brother lets me know more and more about how unhappy my mother was and the demons she struggled with. In my eyes, she was absolutely perfect and an amazing demonstration of unconditional love. She was allot of things through out her life and fought many battles with herself and with those who loved her, but all she was to me was Mom. I am a mother now and I love my daughter with that same unconditional love my own mother showed me. She is a constant reminder that my life is worth living, no matter how difficult. God gave this life to ME. He gave me the most beautiful gift, the same gift he gave to my mother 23 years ago, a daughter.